The words tumbled from my mouth like a free-flowing fountain of truth. They weren’t previously denied honesty. The thought actually never even crossed my mind. Yet, from the abundance of my heart, a realization tumbled out and kicked me dead in the teeth: I mismanaged his trust.
WAIT. Me?
I was the problem??
FEELINGS CAN FEEL REAL AND STILL BE INACCURATE ASSESSORS OF REALITY
The disappointment was real. Like, really REAL. I cried through it. Prayed through it. Journaled through it. With Holy Spirit as my guide, we waded through the muddy waters of confusion and the disappointment of deferred hope. We navigated the tension of having heard, seen, and felt only for the sum of those experiences to fall super short of my expectations. We worked through it all…or so I thought. This is where my pastor would slide in one of his signature phrases: It’s not wrong; it’s just incomplete.
Completeness showed up during the casual twists and turns of a seemingly regular chat with a friend. Regularity gave way to a rhema word when I unknowingly snuggled up in the hot seat for a divine appointment with Truth.
Completeness sounded like ownership. It was more than admitting that I pursued instead of allowing myself to be pursued or failing to properly steward instructions received in the Secret Place. I’ve identified and come to terms with those faults. Realizing that I mismanaged his trust, though? That hit different.
What door has impatience closed in my life?
This question arrested me some days ago and has yet to let me go. Its persistence is pointing to a limiting belief that painted me as the victim. The lie? I was unseen, unappreciated, and unpursued. In reality, he desired a friendship that I never allowed space to exist because the desire of my heart was for more. The idol of control had me going above and beyond to convince him to swap out my last name for his.
HE DESIRED A FRIENDSHIP THAT I NEVER ALLOWED SPACE TO EXIST
But he wanted (possibly needed) a friend.
So, he pressed into my calmness but retreated when life (and I) became too intense.
He shared glimpses of his heart: vision for the future, struggles in the natural, wilderness seasons, career wins, ministry moments, and Spirit-led creativity.
He shared because he trusted me with his heart. I see that now. Yet, I immaturely dismissed the offer as inadequate because it wasn’t wrapped in the promise of forever.
So, I cheered him on…and attempted to coerce him into desiring more than a friendship. Thus, making me a manipulative (which the Bible equates to witchcraft) and emotionally unsafe person. Jesus!
1 Have mercy upon me, O God,
According to Your lovingkindness;
According to the multitude of Your tender mercies,
Blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
And cleanse me from my sin.Psalm 51:1-2, NKJV
It isn’t the Word we know, but rather the Word we live that produces life transformation. Truth requires a response.
Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. 2 Corinthians 7:10, NIV
Father, I’m so sorry. Thank You for graciously opening my eyes and pricking my heart. I repent for mismanaging the heart of your son. Instead of seeing him as one made in Your image, worthy of honor and friendship, I tried to conform him to my image of what I hoped we could be. Forgive me, Lord. I repent for pushing my agenda instead of submitting to Your will, order, and timing. If our connection never developed into what I wanted it to be, it could have flourished as what You prescribed it to be had I not interfered.
You are still Jehovah Rapha. I pray Your healing power continues flowing through our lives and ministering to our hearts, healing the places that disappointment, mismanagement, and manipulation have damaged. Bless your son with authentic friendships - relationships where his heart is safe, and his greatness is nurtured. Continue shining Your light on the unsurrendered places of my heart, teaching me the power of yielding to softness by way of mind renewal. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Sincerely,
LaToya NaShae